It was my Birthday yesterday - and as it was a Sunday I thought it would be a bit unreasonable of me to drag everyone out to get drunk, so I made some people go and get food and see a film with me instead.
I chose Haywire, because it was my Birthday I couldn’t weasel out of making a decision.
I was pretty sure not everyone would like it, but didn’t really care - I like the Bourne films and this kinda looked like a Bourne film with a girl as the fighty person. I judged this from the trailer and the poster.
That’s a poster. They left her no choice evidently.
Looks exciting right?
It’s all black and white with orange so you know it’s got action in it. OK I’m going to start the review now.
Man it’s a weird film. I had now idea what was happening or why for pretty much the whole thing. It’s about revenge, I don’t think anything other than that needed to make any sense. Antonio Banderas was there for a bit but I got distracted because he had a big beard and looked like Aidan Moffat. Ewan McGregor was there but had a haircut that looked like he’d JUST had a haircut all the time and it needed to grow out a bit. Distracting. Michael Douglas was there, he had/was a suit of some kind. Michael Fassbender is in it but not for long enough and kinda looks like even he doesn’t know why he’s there.
I think the lady in it hit everyone she met. Even if it didn’t show you it happening I felt she probably had hit them earlier on or will be saving it for later. She wasn’t the best at acting. I saw two different emotions - fighty, and thinking about fighty times. One character dies and you may mistake her for being sad about this but I think if she was sad it was because there was one less person in the world to have a fight with. Or…
…maybe sad because she didn’t get to kill him.
But anyway she didn’t look sad. Maybe she can’t move her face anymore due to it being hit so much. Maybe it’s numb.
Bill Paxton didn’t move his face either, so fitted in well as her ex-military but also useless father. His suggestion for her revenge plan is to run away.
WHAT A BADASS.
He just looked worried a lot and did fuck all. He was in Aliens. Doesn’t even pick up a gun. Had a moustache and looked worried. Christ.
Oh yeah Channing Tatum is in it too. His neck is pretty big. He still tilts his head a lot. Maybe that’s how he exercises it.
Something happens in Barcelona, and also she’s in Dublin for what feels like quite a long time. She gets chased about by the Garda - the Irish Police. Well. I say chased, they walk very slowly with their light machine guns up stairs a lot. She does a bit of casual parkour around some rooftops for what feels like ages. It’s definitely casual parkour, her jeans seem too tight and she has a wooly hat on the whole time - can’t do balls-out parkour in that atire surely.
Although I wasn’t impressed much by the parkour skills she is pretty good at hitting people. Steven Soderbergh has lined up a nice starry cast to be hit in the chops repeatedly by a pretty lady. It’s like one of his Ocean’s films but instead of stealing something every once in a while there’s a fight. It all looks and sounds very pretty, then you have a fight every once in a while, where she puts her legs around their necks and squeezes the life out of them until they gasp their last directly into her genital area. Her expression then changes from fighty to thinking about fighty times again.
I can’t really tell you what happens or why. There’s a guy, and they get him, and the government want something, and private contractors, and then revenge, and cars, and then FIGHTSFIGHTSFIGHTS and some people are dead but more things and then a bit happens when I think they explain it but I missed it from giggling at how confused I was and seeing one of the characters chin himself on a rock.
Through a chunk of the film she’s explaining bits of plot to a dude in a car, and he’s lying face down in the backseat, dodging bullets and trying not to cry. I felt like that on the inside if I tried to understand what was happening - I could relate - this was very clever of Mr Soderbergh to put that character in so we the audience had someone we could feel an affinity with.
I don’t think she’s gonna bother any awards ceremonies but Gina Carano can probably be added to the ‘who would win in a fight’ debates - she kicks people good, and has about the same range as a Seagal or er…Knightley, so was fine. Has like 3 different haircuts in this. Good stuff.
Think Fassbender and Paxton were wasted a bit, and I had no idea what the hell happened it apart from revenge/payback/parkour/fighty times. Looked and sounded good - and I had lots of fun. I liked it, think the people who saw it with me maybe think it was the worst film they’d ever seen - but it was my Birthday so they had to humour me anyway.
Gonna go think about fighty times now.